Noah

Parental Rating: PG-13

Contains: Violence    Adult Content    

Jill's Review

Opens March 28, 2014

Runs 137 minutes 

If you were hoping to see the Bible story depicted on the big screen, this is not it.  The only things in common with the Bible are a character named Noah, a flood and an Ark.  Russell Crowe plays Noah, a brooding and obsessed man, who has a vision that he is chosen by the Creator (God is never mentioned) to protect the innocent beasts of the world from an imminent flood that will wipe out everything due to the greed and hedonism of mankind. Sounds ok so far?? Well, then come the angels turned into stone people (they look like rock transformers with glowing eyes) who help build the Ark and then help fight off the hordes of evil people led by Tubal-Cain who try to kill Noah and take the Ark.  Really.  Then, Tubal-Cain (Ray Winstone) stows away on the Ark.  Noah has three sons.  Of course, none of them have wives like in the Bible, they are too young.  But of course, Noah and his wife Naameh (Jennifer Connelly) have adopted a daughter, Ila (Emma Watson), who was barren and then she wasn't and then she had twins with one of the sons.  I guess someone in this story had to procreate to preserve mankind....  

This is like a sci-fi fantasy version of Noah.  It is so slow it feels like 40 days and 40 nights before they even sail off in the Ark.  And, I haven't even mentioned Methusaleh (Anthony Hopkins) yet.  I guess he was supposed to be the comic relief, since all he cared about was finding and eating berries. I am usually ok with a little creative license, but this was absurd.  The Ark was cool and the CGI flood was spectacular.  Loved all of the animals and how they were managed, but apart from that, this was not worth 2 1/2 hours of my time. And the icing on the cake...toward the end of the movie, there was an earthquake in real life and we were rocking in our seats.  I think God was trying to tell us something.

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